Monday, June 25, 2012

Waiting to turn the corner.

There is something I need to get off my chest.

We're having a hard time.

Cancer is a big pain in the bahookie.  It is worrisome and hard and no fun at all.  Even the good news doesn't feel so great.  When you are caught up in the fog of misery and worry it is easy to become blinded to the beauty and joy all around.

I realized I haven't been updating about Ryan here on the blog.  All my updates have been on Facebook...HERE.

The good news is all of Ryan's tumors in his chest and abdominal area have shrunk 30-50%.  Winning!

But those pesky brain tumors are giving us a run for our money.  First he had whole brain radiation.  The results of that yielded two tumors that grew.  So Ryan headed back in for some specialized radiation for the two largest tumors worked!  Winning again!

But then they found another tumor.

Two steps forward, one step back.

We are zapping the new tumor this week.  Every round of radiation requires a flurry of appointments, scans, masks and so forth.  Throw in Ryan's exhaustion and his new constant nausea and things have been pretty craptastic.

I'm trying to see past the obstacles.   I'm trying to look around the corner and see the better times that I know are coming.

I'm really trying.

Last night when I was in bed I remembered I wrote a post about this once.  I dug it up.  Funny how much writing helps ME.  I hope it helps others, but really, sorting out all the junk in my brain makes all the difference. 

This repost is for me.  (And you...if it's something you needed to hear too.)

Challenges, and their infinite perspective

It's been a rough month.  It's funny how things run in waves.

Rough times, problems, challenges...they can throw off our perspective.

And perspective is such a tricky thing.

When we go through hard times, the problem sits directly in front of us. We all know if you put something right in front of your eye, or your face, like an orb for instance, it will block out all the other scenery. The orb/problem takes up your entire view and let's face it, it can be quite depressing.

Worse than we try to see further off in the distance, past the problem...all we see is the same thing...magnified infinitely. The orbs/challenges take over our perspective now...and our perspective of the future.

I call it the infinite perspective. Here is a crude drawing of my take on this:

When problems arise, tunnel vision takes over. Our problems take over every aspect of our lives, and the future seems to hold no change. We look straight ahead of us and see "same." We can't see any change for the better. It is impossibly infuriating.

But here is the thing. Life doesn't take us in a straight line.

Looking straight in front of us, trying to imagine a future amongst our challenges is fruitless, as life hands us multiple twists and turns. There are corners to turn all down our line of sight...they just aren't visible past the orbs.

Challenges are not infinite.

Life changes.

We turn...and one perspective is gone. When we turn, In front of us is a new perspective...and a new horizon is born.

The problem remains do we turn the corner to change the crappy perspective that may be in front of us right now?

Sometimes we can WILL a change. But unfortunately, sometimes life has a way of making us wait for that turn in the road. Sometimes we are forced on the hard road, looking our challenges square in the eye, for months...or even years.

I think our strength lies in expecting that eventual turn. HOPING for change is one of our biggest assets.

HOPE is huge. A lot of people get caught on the fact that hope is out of our hands. "I hope tomorrow is better." "I hope I get that package today." "I hope my husband will surprise me with a night out."

But real hope doesn't work that way...Hope is an active word. It is actively expecting change. It is actively expecting a better day. It is even actively working for a better day. It is knowing that the orb in front of us will not be there forever. Life changes. Perspectives can change with the winds, and the importance lies in not letting the problems in front of us make us give up hope on tomorrow.

Because tomorrow that turn can come.

Bad days...or months...or not last forever.

Your child's basal rates will not be wonky forever.

One day YOU WILL bolus correctly for pizza.

One day the pump will be oked by your insurance.

One day you won't have to weigh every ounce of food, you WILL swag.

One day your child's numbers will smooth overnight.

One day you will conquer after breakfast highs.

One day you will trust your child's sets again.

One will feel at peace with all this.

One day Ryan won't have cancer.

One day.

Maybe not today....maybe not tomorrow...

But we can't let the problems we are facing now...magnify to forever.

And we can't let the challenges we face seem insurmountable just because they look huge sitting right in front of our face. The fact is, they are usually not as giant as they seem...or maybe not as forever as they seem.

Yes, enduring is part of life, but the things that weigh heavy on our hearts now...won't weigh there forever.

Even if there is never a cure for Type 1, we will turn the corner one day and see all of this in a different light.

Hope for that change.

Expect it.

It will come.


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