Thursday, November 15, 2012

The end goal.

It was the day Ryan passed away.  I was at my inlaws house with the boys and with family all around.  I was in shock.  I was scared.  I was tired.  I was distraught.  I was confused.  The house was warm...really warm, and I was feeling overwhelmed to say the least.

I needed air.

I grabbed my iPad and walked outside.  Sitting at the patio table I opened it up and clicked the Facebook icon.  I sat in the fading sunlight, quietly sobbing as I read the posts written on my wall, and the private messages that poured in from all around the world.  It was when the sky began to darken that my father poked his head out the back door.

"Meri, you really shouldn't be alone right now."

To which I replied:

"I'm not alone, Dad."

I know I've touched on this many times, but the friendships that I have gleaned online, specifically through the diabetes online community have saved me.

I never feel alone.  There is ALWAYS someone there to talk to...night or day.

How do I get through?  It is the love.  Love has changed everything. 

Yesterday was World Diabetes Day.   I packed the car up with my family and headed out to San Francisco to see the Ferry Building light up blue to commemorate Fredrick Banting's birthday and his discovery of insulin.

There I met Manny Hernandez from Tu Diabetes  and Mike Lawson from What Some Would Call Lies, and The Diabetes Hands Foundation.  I met them online, I am Facebook friends with them and follow them both on Twitter.  But they are more than statuses and updates...they are my friends.  Their kindness and good hearts are very real. 

Just like yours.

We spoke a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I fumbled through, trying to put into words exactly what my dream job would be.

And then as we were driving home from the city last night, it hit me.

I want to make other people feel the same way you all made me feel that night out on the patio.  I want to make people feel loved in the hardest hours.  I want to tell people, "I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I care...and I am here.  You are wonderful.  You can do this."

 I want to make people feel better.

There are so many people out there that feel alone.  I know many people like to use me as a worst case scenario.  "I thought my life was bad...but Meri's!  Wow!"  But I don't see things that way at all.  I have good friends, in town, online...all around everywhere that tell me they love me every day.  Friends that lift me up, and in turn make love a prevailing theme in my life.  There are so many people that don't have that.  They think they are alone.  They think no one cares.  They are scared.  They think their future has little hope.  Feeling alone and hopeless?  That is MY worst case scenario.
I'm not sure where I go from here, but I have a couple paths that I'm contemplating taking.  It's all very fuzzy right now, and some of it requires me traveling WAY out of the comfort zone of my computer keyboard, but I believe that even if I don't find a 9-5 job that fits that description, I'll find a way to do it anyway.

Because when I was/am in my hardest hour...words and love from good people like you have helped me.

I want to be that good person.

I want to help back.

I want to give back.

Moving forward, I'm going to make that my end goal.  And if I can make a difference in even one life, like you all have made a difference in mine?

Well, I'll call that an epic victory.


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