Wednesday, May 15, 2013

D Blog Week, Day 3: The day it turned around

Our prompt for Day 3: Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share. 

I was crying.

In my bed folded up like an origami turtle, my thumb and forefinger on my forehead, my palm pressed against my right eye trying to dam up the unlimited resource of salt water falling from my tear ducts.

I cried silently.  My personal symphony of misery.  It was my time to soak in all the sadness, and belt out the chords of pity inside my mind.  Pity for myself, my children and my family.

We now had three children with Type 1 Diabetes, and even though it had been six months since this reality took center stage, I still hadn’t come to terms with it.  I fought back against the acceptance of it all.  How could I accept something so terrible? 

I was sure it was too much.

I was sure it wasn’t fair.

I was sure God hated me.  In fact, I had stopped praying months before.  I knew God wouldn’t take away Type 1 Diabetes just for me, and right now that is the only prayer that sat in my soul.  So why go through he motions?  I was too angry to pray.

At the time my husband owned the bakery with his sister.  He was in bed hours before me, so I was sure that I wasn’t disrupting his deep sleep with the occasional sniff or cough that would burst through my muffled tears.

But Ryan was a good husband.  And Ryan was very aware.

I was in a deep depression and I wasn’t near as good at hiding it as I perceived. 

That night, as I whimpered quietly in the dark, just as I had countless nights before that, Ryan sat up in bed.

He turned on the light on his end table, slipped out of bed and walked over to my side.

He knelt in front of me.

“I’ve known for months now.  And I’ve known I had to talk to you about it for months.  I never knew what to say, because your feelings are valid.  I’m angry too.”

He stood up, and reached out his hand for mine.  I stood in front of him as he cupped his sweet hands around my cheeks…

“But I really believe my love, we weren’t sent to this earth to be miserable.  It’s about finding happiness within what we are given…God wants us to find joy.  We need to look at all the blessings in our life and celebrate our amazing boys.  There is so much good in our lives, I think we need to start focusing on that.  And I think you need to start praying again.  I know it will make you feel better.”  

He gently wiped away my tears and gave me a long, lingering bear hug.

He kissed me sweetly on the lips and went back to bed.  Snoring within seconds of his head hitting the pillow.

I knelt and prayed that night.  I sobbed for hours, spilling out all my heartache to the Lord.

And the next morning…I was ok.

Like a light being switched on, I was immediately transported to the other side of my grief. 

Sure, my boys’ diagnoses are some of the most memorable diabetes moments of my life.  But the day I learned to accept Our Diabetic Life is the day that glows brightest.

Thank you, Ryan for knowing what to say, and when to say it.  You saved me so many times… how will I ever repay you for making that moment such a poignant one?  I’ve played those words over and over again in my mind this past year.

“We weren’t sent to this earth to be miserable.”

“We need to find the blessings in our life, now.”

“We need to celebrate our amazing boys.”

I’m trying so hard to find the joy.  I pray for it every night. 

I’m trying for you. 

I’m trying for the boys. 

I’m trying for me.


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