Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Restless cog syndrome?

My brain consists of bazillions of cogs constantly turning. Each cog is responsible for an important aspect of my life.  (Was I being too generous when I said bazillion?  Is thousands a more appropriate estimation?  Maybe a hundred?  I don’t know. I’m too tired to really know.  But it feels like a bazillion.  I promise you that.)

Regardless, the cog that is in charge of diabetes is losing tread.  Obviously because it is constantly going.  Giving that cog a break is just laughable.  There are no breaks in diabetes.

I’m dreaming about diabetes too.  Not cool cog.  Not cool.

One would think something’s got to give, but really…giving in isn’t an option.  Because I need that cog running 24/7, as there are no resolutions when it comes to blood sugar numbers.  If we battle to fix a high, or a low, and succeed…is the battle won?

Oh hell no!  It’s just time to suit up for the next battle. 

What’s really taxing is the month before an endo appointment when we put in all the extra work.   We make sure every number is logged.  Every meal is bloused uber correctly.  Extra care is taken in every aspect of Our Diabetic Life so we can glean a full picture from all the downloads.  In other words, those weeks before the endo appointment there is a constant bellow of steam coming out of my ears from the wear and tear of cogs working at a higher speed.

Last week we had that endo appointment, and for the first time in Schuhmacher history…the picture was too good.  B, my guy that for whatever reason usually has the higher A1C, ended up with the lowest.  And this time…too low.  Also, L’s numbers were on the low side too, so we made some adjustments. 

Adjustments meaning both boys had small basal changes giving them LESS insulin instead of more, and small adjustments to their insulin/carb ratio.  I was all for it.  As guilty, and as terrible as I feel saying it…keeping the boys in such stellar range is exhausting.  I’m sick of feeding numbers.  I’m tired of handing my boys sugar to eat when I would never in a million years allow them to eat that if they didn’t have diabetes.  I’m tired of waking my child up in the middle of the night and begging him to drink apple juice.  And to be honest, they were tired of it too.

So we made tiny adjustments, and those tiny adjustments led to highs.  Which led to my battling nighttime highs, (that by the way, DID NOT COME DOWN and by the by KEPT ME UP ALL THE LIVE LONG NIGHT.)  Which led me to change L’s basals back to where they were.  Which leads me to wonder if there is a warranty on these cogs in my brain? 

But I digress...

I’m waving the white flag.  This week, I’m tired of fighting.  This week, I find myself wishing for a resolution that I know will never come.  Because we all know there is no resolution to a blood sugar number, because there is always another one waiting around the corner. 

No end.  Blah blah blah.  I know you know.

Maybe I just need a lube job?  (Hold the phone, get your brain out of the gutter, you know what I mean.)  Maybe some oil to make the gears in my brain rotate more smoothly? 

Some joy would do the trick.

Honestly, I’m in need of some fun.  I feel guilty saying it, but it’s the gosh honest truth.  In my case, I think laughter really is the best medicine.  There isn’t enough in my life right now…and maybe that’s my fault.

I need to find a way to make my own fun I suppose.  I depended on Ryan for so long to lift me up and relieve me when I was overwhelmed.  And he was really good at it.  He took me out every Saturday night because he knew that’s what my brain needed.  Sweet relief from the numbers, the grind, the worry. 

These days I feel guilty taking my girlfriends away from their husbands…I remember I always preferred a weekend with Ryan rather than my friends.  They need to be with their families more than they need to be with me.  And I’m not saying that in a “poor Meri” kind of way…I really believe it.  Family is everything.

Anyway, I’m going to look around the house and see if I can find another cog.  And if I can find one, I’ll work hard to incorporate it into my brain and designate it just for laughter.

There is so much that is heavy in my life.  It’s time for a little levity.


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