Conflicted.

I'm sitting here waiting patiently for two new Medtronic Revel Insulin Pumps to grace my front porch. And as I reflect, the heaviness of its meaning fills the room. The air is getting thinner and my shoulders are aching from the enormity of it all.

Every four years my boys get new pumps. J just celebrated 8 years on the pump. B just finished up 4 years. L is on his second pump and still has a couple years before he is due for an upgrade. All the memories of starting the pump are flooding back. The excitement, the concern, the fear of the unknown. Insulin pumps are certainly worth their weight in gold, but whether I have the courage to come to terms with it or not...they are a symbol of our diabetic life. They represent our journey...they represent our future for the next 4 years and beyond.

Diabetes is such a fickle disease. Many days I count my blessings. Many days I see the good in it all. My boys have risen to the occasion...they are amazing and I have to give diabetes credit for letting their resilience shine. But other days when my back holds the weight of barrels of rocky blood sugars...well those days, I feel in danger of buckling under the pressure. It is a vicious cycle of ups and downs. It is a weather pattern where seasons change by the day.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful...so so very thankful to have these instruments at our disposal. I am thankful for the men and woman in the world that are brilliant enough to invent such intricate gadgets. I am thankful that my boys can bolus themselves. I am thankful for the "control" and the flexibility it brings to our lives.

Very thankful.

But sad too.

And I guess that is ok. I am a mother, and being emotional about my boys' chronic illnesses is just par for the course.

I am excited, I am sad and I am thankful. I'm sure my brain is lit up like a Christmas tree right now trying to sort it all out. It is a puzzle of emotions that will make more sense once I put them together. Unfortunately, at the moment the pieces are still scattered around the table.

But in the meantime, I'll do the breakfast dishes and hope that when my boys come home from school today their hearts will putter with excitement, and the heaviness of receiving gadgets that truly keep them alive day in and day out won't put a damper on what is honestly a very blessed occasion.