Ryan, I want you to know something...

Ryan reads my blog.

He subscribes to it and receives emails on an account that I thought he never visited.  (The other day when he said, "Run, Ryan Run!" as he looked at me sheepishly with one eyebrow raised and a smirk, I realized this wasn't the case.  He reads every post.)

Hi Babe!

So today in honor of our nineteenth anniversary, I thought I'd write him a little note, spoofing off another blog/love letter I sent to all of you a year or two ago...

Dear Ryan,

I want you to know something...

I want you to know that when you tell me you love me,
I know that you mean it.  I know that you mean it forever.

I want you to know that I've loved you from the first day I saw you in Mike's window.

I want you to know that I fully realize how lucky I am to have you.

I want you to know that I KNOW you are my greatest blessing.

I want you to know that I'm proud of every day of our history.

I want you to know that when you smile at me after a disagreement, really...everything is made better instantly.

I want you to know that after years of you taking care of me...spoiling me...I'm glad to take care of you.  You've done so much more for me than I've ever done, or will do, for you.

I want you to know that I LOVE that you loved picking up the boys from school.  You are a great father, and I know it meant a lot to them.

I want you to know that you will be able to pick them up again. 

You make the best breakfasts.  I don't take them for granted.

I want you to know that even though the steroids make you look different on the outside, you are still my Ryan on the inside, and still every bit the man I married...plus every bit the man I am madly in love with.

Your smiling eyes and bear hugs are two of the things I love most...but you know that.

I want you to know I wouldn't take back one day of our life together.  I look back and don't see any bad times.  I see hard times.  Times when we had babies, and diagnoses, and times when working 15 hour days was normal for you.  Those hard times have brought our love to where it is today.  It was all SO worth it.

I want you to know I want to be better, I try to be better...for you, because of you.

I want you to know that this is just a bump in the road.  We can do this.  You are the strongest most wonderful person I know.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Fighting cancer is HARD...and exhausting.

You can do this!  I want you to know I truly believe that.

I want you to know I love you more every day...still.  It seems impossible that I could love you more tomorrow than today, but experience tells me I will.

Thank you for loving me Ryan....for seeing past all my imperfections.  Thank you for telling me every day that you love me.  Thank you for thinking I am beautiful.  Thank you for nineteen years, and thank you for fighting for nineteen more.

I want you to know you're my hero.

Forever yours,