Sha-mae-mae

Ryan called her Sha-mae-mae. 

When I first found her I pronounced her name, Shay-me. 

When I spoke to her on the phone the first time it was the first question I asked her.  “How the heck do you pronounce your name??”

It was Shamae.  Like, Sha-may.

At a young age, she was one of the original D Mom bloggers.  When I wrote my first post and sent it out into the interwebz, my Sister in Law was eager to read it.  As she Googled around looking for my first post lost in obscurity, she ran across Shamae’s blog.

“Do you know there are others?” She asked.

“Others???  Others like me?”

Sure enough when my sister in law pointed out Shamae’s blog it was akin to finding the Promised Land for me.  Her sidebar lit up with a list of other D Mom bloggers.  I was so thrilled I read every one.  Commenting on every one.  Bursting with excitement with EVERY ONE.

Shamae will always be my life preserver.  She threw her heart to me and I held onto it with dear life.  Finding others like me in the sea of craziness online just seemed too good to be true.

We spoke on the phone.  We texted.  We got together a group of D Mom bloggers and met for Sunday night chats. 

And after the chats faded away, we still kept in touch.  Even though Shamae took a long blogging hiatus, Facebook served its divine purpose of keeping those far away close to our hearts. 

When Ryan passed she called right away.  She spent weeks gathering supplies from the entire state of Idaho to send to our family.  Four huge boxes FULL of life for my boys. 

She was an angel.

She was my dear friend.

She was 30 years old.

And in an instant, she is gone.

I know enough to know she is in a glorious place.  I know enough to know she has a renewed perspective that makes all of this ok.

But I also know enough to know her family is aching right now.  I don’t know how husbands deal with losses like this.  I can’t even say I know how wives do...but I know how I did/am.  And my heart is imploding thinking about the hurt that is happening in that home right now.

It brings me back to where I was a year ago.  It’s all still very raw. 

And that’s all I have to say about that.  I can’t bear to say more about those feelings.

Shamae, thank you.  Thank you for your kind heart, and your resilient spirit.  Thank you for all the laughs, and joy you brought into my life.  But most of all, thank you for not being afraid to live authentically.  You lived your life and your faith out loud, and for that you will forever be a bright example to me.

May the angels comfort your family.  And may your family know that your existence was not only to bring three miracles into the world, but also to create an online world that changed the lives of many women.

Mine included.

After Ryan passed away, Shamae wrote this poem for me.  She also sent me the link to the song below. I hope it will give her family some solace during this difficult time:

Dear Meri,

The tears in your eyes I know you can’t hide,
In front of our family, I've seen how you've tried.
You want to be strong, but the ache is too great.
When I passed on, I watched your heart break.

Please don’t cry, don’t shed a tear.
You can’t understand; the path is not clear.
You see the part where I have passed on;
but try not to worry ‘cause it won’t be long,
till your eyes are opened and you’ll finally see—

I’m happy in Heaven with more family.

Christmas is coming and I know you are scared,
because this is a holiday we always have shared.
I miss you too and in my heart there’s an ache.
 ‘cause I won’t be around to make this year great.

But you’ll be surrounded by our family and friends;
they love you dearly and are there to lend
a hand to hold or to share a smile.
They’ll give you compassion and stay for a while.

Meri, I want you to know that I’ll also be there,
this holiday season we still get to share.
Although I know your eyes can’t see,
I'll be sitting beside you with our family.

Mistletoe above, I’ve move my lips to your cheek,

I’ll give you the kiss you longingly seek.
My hand on your hand, I’ll give it a squeeze
you’ll feel my love while you decorate our tree.

 Meri, please don’t cry, don’t shed a tear,
‘cause I’ll get to be with you for Christmas this year.

Love always, Ryan