Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Me, Myself and My Gut

My eyes flash open.

My stomach hurts. Something isn't right.

I check the clock: 4:00am

My first thought is the boys. Did Ryan wake to test them last night? They were swimming the night before...maybe they are tanking now...

I roll over.

"Shut up brain and go back to sleep."

10 minutes later:

My eyes flash open.

My stomach hurts. Something isn't right.

"Meri you are so dramatic. You aren't magic. You aren't waking up for a reason. You are stupid. Go back to sleep."

10 minutes later:

My eyes flash open...


I slip out of bed and make my way to the station. Thankfully there is only one monitor there, so I don't have to look through three different histories to see if Ryan tested.

There they are! He tested, no one was low or especially high.

"THEY ARE FINE!! Told you stupid!"

It takes awhile but I'm back into an unsettling sleep. I toss and turn but pretend I'm in deep sleep anyway.

But then: My eyes flash open.

My stomach hurts. Something isn't right.

I look to the clock: How is it only 20 minutes later?

I give up. "Uncle!"

I quietly tip toe out of the room to check on the boys. I slip into the doorway of J's room and wait. I don't hear anything so I take a couple steps closer and finally hear the steady sound of his breaths.

"He's alive stupid."

Next to L's and B's room. B is stirring, nice! L has his blanket over his head. NOT NICE! I walk closer and L suddenly whisks his blanket away, only to startle the both of us and cause me nearly to lose my dinner from the night before.

He smiles widely, "I'm up early mom!"

"Try to go back to sleep sweetheart."

"Ok!" He whisks his blanket over his head again and I walk out.

I sit on the couch contemplating the feeling so deep in my gut I can't deny. Where is this coming from? Should I test their sugars?

"They are alive stupid. Go take a shower."

And I do.

I come out of room to a still house and glide quietly the best I can to the kitchen. There I find J rustling through the fridge.

"What are you doing up? What is going on?"

"Oh, I need insulin. My stomach hurts so bad it woke me up. I guess my pump ran out of insulin sometime last night. I'm 389."

Ketones 2.8.

Throw up.

Extra bolus.


Extra bolus.

Extra bolus.

Ketones 0.3.

He is ok.

There is no denying that we as mothers of children with diabetes have a sort of 6th sense that lingers within our swelly brains.

I've read story after story of mothers following their intuition and finding a low that would have otherwise been missed. The moral of THIS story, and what I hope sticks with you...is that those feelings are given to us for a reason. They are not to be doubted.

I spent so many years taking my worry to the next level and being dramatic about everything. Growing older and wiser along with my life experiences have taught me that usually...everything is ok. Looking back, most of the drama just wasn't warranted. So I've moved to this place of...I don't want to say complacency...more of a place of Laidback-ness. A place that keeps me from doing things I would have years ago. Unfortunately, I have gotten so comfortable here that I second guess the times when my gut sets off those flashing red alarms. When the alarm goes off I wonder, am I just being dramatic...or is there more? Is this alarm real? Are the angels waking me, or was that Italian food last night just making me restless?

I'm like a trash compactor when it comes to worry these days...I'm really good at stuffing it to my toes. So when the unrelenting alarms go off I always fight an inner battle. Should I Stuff it or should I act on it? A battle for the ages. A battle that isn't worth fighting when your gut is screaming at you at four in the morning.

So let me tell you...

Next time my eyes flash open and my gut starts screaming to me that something isn't right...I am going to listen, and I will check the boys blood sugars and their pumps. We are complicated human beings. I strongly believe that we are spiritual beings as well. There is a reason the alarms go off.

We must listen.

I can't explain it...I just know it...

Deep down in my gut, I know it.


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