Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Virtual Switzerland.

I'm feeling pretty neutral on this whole diabetes thing lately. I'm the virtual Switzerland if you will.

People are posting some pretty nasty things about the big D out there...and I have to say, I don't blame them one single bit.

It's not like I have anything NICE to say about it or anything. It's just right now, I have no feelings about it at all.

I'm numb.

Even 90's haven't brought up the joy they used to. 400's? Whatever. I've seen them before. Let's get busy and fix it.

Right now there is no victory and no defeat. It is all just there...threaded through everything we do. Embedded in every memory.

I'm struggling to know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Will my lack of emotion in it all affect their A1C's? They boys have appointments in a couple would think that would put the fear of god into my heart. But nope. I've got no feeling on the subject right now.

Does this mean that life has stepped ahead of diabetes and I'm finding my joy and grief in regular life stuff? Or does this mean Diabetes is bugging me so much I have built an unhealthy wall to mask the real feelings I have about all of this.

I fear that I will find out within the next week or two. With New Years coming I'll be forced to evaluate my pancreatic duties. I'll set myself subject to irrational goals and deep internal appraisal.

Whatever comes, right now I'm going to enjoy the nothingness that I feel and go find my joy in the eyes of my happy and content boys who are right this minute all huddled together playing a new video game.

It isn't always about diabetes, right? I guess I'm just questioning how I got it into the back seat...and the repercussions of it all. Maybe, just is back there for the right reasons, and I have nothing to fear.

Because when it comes to the big D, I'd rather not know the REAL feelings I have lingering deep down in the recesses of my soul. They wouldn't be pretty. I know that for sure. In fact just thinking about it stirs up something, so I'll end now hoping to stuff it all back down.

I'm in the driver's seat now. Diabetes is stuck in the back. I just wish it would stop kicking the back of my seat. I really want to concentrate on the road ahead of me. The world is a beautiful landscape...if I keep diabetes behind me, it can't muck up the scenery.

The sunsets have never been so beautiful as they have the past couple weeks.  Is that a coincidence?  I just don't know.


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