Thursday, January 12, 2012


She said it four times. I couldn't look her in the eye the first three, but on the fourth time I had to look to make her stop saying it.

"Meri, you are doing a great job."

Why did she keep saying it? I'm doing a pretty good job. I mean, I'm no Madam Curie or anything. I know I can do better. If I put my heart into it, I can probably improve on those A1C's...

"Meri, you are doing a great job."

As I lay in bed last night just about to surrender to sleep her words echoed in my swelly brain. I know she wanted them to sink in, I don't know how she did it, but her tone was firm yet soft at the same time. I know she knows I am hard on myself. Was she trying to ease the guilt? Or was she really speaking the truth?

Nah. I rolled over and thought of all the ways I can improve our diabetes management at home. I was deep into my list and again, almost into dreamland, when somewhere deep in my subconscious I heard it one more time:

"Meri, you are doing a great job."

And this time I listened.

And for one brief euphoric moment I let myself drink in every ounce of those words. I felt the rush of letting those words rinse away years of inadequacy and if onlys.

My yoke was lifted and for those fleeting seconds I felt like I could fly. I allowed myself to believe and the freedom my soul felt in that small moment was so overwhelming, the tears came.

I don't know if this moment was sponsored by a higher force, or just my cough medicine....but let me tell you, I'll never forget that feeling in that moment as long as I live.

Don't worry, I didn't wake up with a big head this morning. I'm back to being my own fallible self who has a ton to work on. But I have to think that there is something to this believing thing. I wonder if believing I am doing a good job will take the edge off my guilt, or if it will only make me soft and lead to me slacking on my pancreatic duties.

I'm going to take a leap of faith, and sporadically give this believing thing a shot, and then return and report to you.

Who knows...maybe it will lead to a revolution for all of us! A new day of release from all that weighs us down!

There has got to be a better way. I've let guilt control me for so long I seriously think my body is deteriorating from it all. The words our endo said were so simple, but so powerful.

"Meri, you are doing a great job." I think I will hang those words on my wall to commemorate the small instant I truly believed. Maybe it will lead to more moments like that and I will be able to slowly but surely release my guilt in small, healing doses.

It's so flipping just might work!


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