Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Letting out the belt loop on my brain

Here's some shockaprising news:

I was up worrying all last night.

I did the 2:00am check and didn't go back to sleep. 
('Cause nighttime is the best time to worry...you totally know it.)

You probably think I was up worrying about my sweet husband
and all of the scans and appointments he has today.

That would totally make sense. 

But no.

I was worrying about my 10 year old son and the epic field trip he is going on today.

I'm sure when the fourth grade teachers got together they were over the moon that they were going to take these kids a few hours away to Old Sacramento and let them experience the rich history of California.  I'm sure they spoke of all the educational applications within the trip, and the advantage of seeing history in action.

They are good teachers.  I'm sure they talked about all of that.

But what I'm sure they didn't do, was talk about B, and my capacity to handle the worry associated with this trip.  Not that they should have discussed such things...but I'm selfish, so I'm going there.

If they did discuss B and my brain, I'm sure they would have come to the obvious revelation that Meri has a lot on her plate and doesn't need the extra worry of her son leaving on an EXTENDED day, 8:30am to 6:00pm field trip.  (And yes, I do realize that this field trip has probably been planned for months and months.  But it was nighttime, and nothing makes sense in the nighttime, remember?)

Over the years my brain has been muscled up with worry.  It can hold a lot of it, that's for sure.  It was many years of conditioning and adding bits of worry day after day.  My ability to worry is quite impressive, my swelly brain is living proof of that.

But I'm at capacity people.  A hint more of worry and I might blow.

So I spent the night putting out fires in my head and quieting the tempests of my swelly brain with meal plans and diabetes supply precautions.

He's gone on field trips before.  B is a super capable kid.  B's teacher is on it, he is a great guy. 

But factor in the nighttime crazies, a mother who's brain is in flux, and my uncanny ability to worry about such things little things as having enough mayonnaise in the fridge and such big things as my husband's scan results ...well, you get the picture...no sleep.

Lucky for me the morning sunrise brings hope and a new day. 

Though, as wonderful as that hope is...I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend this day looking forward to the sunset, when my family will all be together again.

Because being together as a family is even cooler than learning about this great state we live in.

Family trumps field trips.

B may not know that yet.  But one day when he has his own littles, he definitely will.

And as for my brain?  Well, it has another hole in its belt loop I am sure.  It always finds a way to cope...and  since Ryan's friend offered last minute to drive Ryan around this morning, I think that coping will come in the form of scrubbing my bathroom.  (Or a pedicure...Terra?  Call me!)


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