Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The lie.

I see it all the time on Facebook.

I live with the mantra all day long in my own reality.

Oh yeah, I say it to myself.

And yeah, I know you say it to yourself, too.

As parents, as humans, we are brilliant at a lot of things, but one thing we are most brilliant at is finding fault with ourselves.

It all hinges on one giant lie.  And it is such a good lie that we often believe it.  We let it eat at us, and some days we even let it define us.

What are the words that have so much power?

"I'm not good enough."

"I fall short."

"Epic fail."

Do we all have areas to work on?  Absolutely.  No one is perfect.  Me?  <----- far from perfect.

But I think we let that little notion work itself into our swelly brains all too often.   For myself, the thoughthas crawled in, made its nest and settled down to hibernate for the winter.

How do I wake the beast and scurry it out of my head?  I can only imagine I need to start by saying to the universe, "I AM enough."

Just because I'm not perfect, doesn't mean I don't try my best.

Just because I fail sometimes, doesn't mean it doesn't kill me every time I let my child down.

Unfortunately for me...and most of you who read this blog...Diabetes only exasperates the problem. There are so many opportunities to fail with this disease.  Let me see...three boys with Type 1 Diabetes X 8 blood sugar tests a day...that equals 24 opportunities for failure a day.

And we all know that is the tip of the iceberg. 

Lately, especially, I'm having a hard time seeing my value.  Ryan was always my cheerleader.  When I was down, he was the one that lifted me up.  He wore a magical pair of glasses that saw me in a near perfect state.  My extra pounds?  He didn't see them.  My little rants?  He thought they were hilarious.  Do I really need validation to function every day?  No...I'm functioning.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for accolades...I'm just coming to the realization that I need to find a way to love myself.  Ryan did the loving for me.  His love was what got me through.  Now I need to start doing the believing on my own behalf, and that is turning out to be a bit more complicated than I thought.

It's true.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm enough for the boys.

But as I look around at a world of imperfect people, I realize I love so many people despite their imperfections.  No one is perfect, and everyone that tries their best is enough for their family, and enough for me.  I can be enough for mine...


I AM enough for mine.

Believing there is more to me than what I see in the mirror is a start.  Believing I'm only scratching the surface of my potential is the next step.

I need to close my drawers full of doubts.  I need to tidy up my brain cluttered with self deprecating mantras.  I need to clean house.

I turned in my first job application/resume packet yesterday.  As I laid my packet on the pile, I was surprised at my immediate sense of defeat.  Jumping back into the work force, putting myself out going to be a rough road.  It is not going to help anything if I don't have self confidence.  Do I think I can do the job?  Absolutely!  It is the selling myself that makes me itch all over.

The core of my confidence volcano has been dormant.  It is time to light the fire...find my confidence, and own it.  Maybe it won't be a super nova right off the bat, but my points of light can put on quite a show.  I need to allow the world see.

Accepting who I am.  (Working on myself...but accepting that I am unique and have something to offer...) THAT is my next adventure.

Today I take that first step.

"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it...people like me!" ~ Stuart Smalley


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