Tuesday, February 5, 2013

That hope thing again...

I was talking to my friend today and I asked, "Why am I always so damn hopeful?"  (I apologize for the swearing...it's a phase I'm going through so please bear with me.)

Every time something crappy happens, (which this week, the crap overfloweth,) I inevitably think..."It will be ok, Meri!  Everything will turn out as it should."

And the devil sitting on my shoulder, who looks unabashedly like Robert Dinero, says, "That hope thing is going to bite you in the butt, Meri.  It might not be ok."

Am I setting myself up for disappointment? 


Am I setting myself up to win?

There is something to be said for putting your intentions out to the universe.  The glass half full people are happier people, right?  Also, if the saying "you get what you give" has any merit, than my answer is right there.

I think my optimism also lies in trusting my path.  Trusting in a loving Heavenly Father who has already testified that all will be well. 

Ryan said it would be okay too, so that's something...

But that Mr. Dinero...with that tiny little nay saying son of a cockroach voice, loves to pop my hope bubble every chance he can get.  He makes me feel like hope is a ball and chain that I drag around every day.  "You're still holding onto that thing?  Geez, let it go gurl!"  He seems to think that my hope holds me back from seeing the world as it really is.  He seems to think my rose colored glasses make me look like a child.  He seems to think I'm setting myself up to fail.

My hope filter is taking a lot more faith to keep up these days.  I'm aware that things often DON'T work out.  I'm aware that bad news comes whether we are ready for it or not.  When people tell me, "Meri, I'm sure everything will be ok," I'm aware that they really don't know that.

Because when it comes to my life?  No.  Not everything turns out ok.

But here's the thing...

Haters gonna hate.

Hopers gonna hope.

I am a hoper.


My problem really lies in the first step. Which way to go with my life?  (I am painfully aware you're probably sick of me talking about this, but it is something I NEED to write out because it is a HUGE obstical I'm grappling with right now.  Trust me, I'm seriously tired of hearing about it too.) I think any way I choose will be ok...but which way is the bestest way?

Which way will lead me to that future Ryan was so sure was going to be ok?  I don't want to mess up.  I don't want to take the wrong path.

I liken it to being in the middle of the desert, a compass surrounds me.  North?  South?  East?  West?  NorthEast?  SouthWest?

Crap.  There are so many paths I can take to get to water.  Every path WILL get me to water...but which one will get me there in tact?  Which is the safest bet for my sanity and livelihood?

Maybe there is no "safer" path. 

Maybe because every path has its perils is the reason I stand here "still" in my life.

My gut says stay where I'm at.  But is my gut really speaking out of fear?  I know I'll eventually need more than what these four walls have to offer, and really, my future isn't going to just fall onto my lap.  Or could it?  I can't totally rule that out, right?  Ha.  I think that is more wishful thinking than hopeful thinking...

Hopefulness requires some action, I am sure.

I can't just sit here waiting for my future to happen.  I need to MAKE a future.

Soul searching sounds so serene. 

I'm not feelin' the serene part.

But no matter how loud that little devil yells in my ear, I can't shake the feeling that it will all work out.  Even if crappy gets crappier, it will all work out.

Hopers gonna hope.  <<<<  That's going on a tshirt.

Meri's gonna hope.  Deal with it, Dinero.


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