Cancer.

I don't want to write this post. In my past life, I wouldn't have written it. But for some reason, I know that I have to. For some reason, Ryan and I know it is important that you all know what is going on.


So I will do what I always do. I will write. Whether I like it, or not.

Before I get to the crap of the matter, you should know that my husband is the most important person in my life. He is honestly in every capacity of the word...my "best friend." My boys are important to me, they are my heart and soul...but they will find their true loves one day, and in turn be complete as I am. Ryan is my person. He is so much better than me, and his love is my greatest treasure.

I have always known that what I have with Ryan is rare, and special.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think to myself how lucky I am to have him.

We are one.

So why this is happening to US, I do not know. I can only believe that there is a reason. There is a greater plan that my eyes can't see yet.

Ryan has cancer.

Or maybe, he still has cancer.

I didn't really write about it a few years ago, but Ryan had Melanoma. It was one mole that looked like a pencil eraser, and we only had it removed because it kinda grossed me out. It wasn't black or asymmetrical or anything when we had it removed. The doctor sent it into pathology, just to make sure it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing. It was a big something.

Surgery and chemotherapy. It was a long haul, but we thought it was gone.

A few days ago we found out it isn't gone. In fact it is back in the form of 6 brain tumors, and multiple tumors in his lungs and abdomen. Metastasized melanoma. It's pretty much the worst kind of cancer there is.

But that is neither here nor there right now. Right now we are focused on moving forward and getting things done.

He begins whole brain radiation on Thursday. He will have this every day for a few weeks. He'll lose his hair and be tired, but we are hoping for lean side effects.

The next step will be more taxing. The original specimen of his cancer removed a few years ago is now being analyzed at UCSF. Depending on the mutation it has, we will form a medicine treatment plan. Chemo or immunotherapy. Both of the medicines that are on the table have been approved by the FDA in just the past couple months. We feel completely blessed, and don't feel it is an accident that we were diagnosed this moment in time. If we found out only months ago, these amazing therapies would not have been available.

Why am I telling you this? This is so personal, and usually this would be just too close to home to share with all of the world. But Ryan and I have the strongest impression that we need to share this with everyone. We NEED your prayers.

To be honest, we need a miracle.

We have set aside this Sunday, March 4th for fasting and prayer on Ryan's behalf. Our hope is that people all across the world, every denomination and belief, will pray for a miracle for Ryan. If you feel impressed, please ask your family and friends to participate. If you belong to any prayer groups, or if you have a close church family you can ask to join in, we would appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

God will provide. Let us bombard heaven with our pleas.

Facebook has already exploded with support. My inbox is full, My IM's are never ending, and my status updates are too numerous to keep up with.

Other D Mama friends have set up a facebook page for me. You can find it here. I'll post updates there. Please share the page with your family and friends. The more prayers the better. I can't help but feel deep down that this is true.

There is the craptastic truth. All of it. Uncensored.

How are we? We are on the roller coaster. We are laughing one minute, delirious with tears the next. But we FEEL the prayers. And our hope grows stronger by the minute.

Somehow we know we will be ok.

Somehow.

It won't be easy. But the craziness that lays in front of us will be worth it in the end. We stand ready to receive that miracle.

Pray friends. Just pray.