Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Let it be.

Let it be.

Let it happen.

Let it alone.

Just BE.

My husband and had the rare opportunity to have dinner with some friends in the city.  On the way home the sun was setting and the Bay Area glowed in yellow haze, carpeted by reflective pools of water. 

Almost intuitively the radio began to play "Let it Be" by the Beatles.

The words pierced my heart.  I tried to internalize exactly what they meant to me.  To us.

Let it be.

Let it in, Let it happen?   Life doesn't stop for anything.  It is a crazy ride and when something big shakes up our world my first instinct is to think, when will this end?  How long must we endure?  Maybe I need to step into the calmness of "letting it happen."  These hard moments are changing us, and someday I'll have the benefit of hindsight to see what miracles were wrought in our life.  Someday I'll be wiser and the bigger picture will be clearer.  Instead of punching mindlessly at the storm...maybe just acceptance is what I need.  Storms blow through, and they are scary.  But it waters our fields and the rainbow follows.

Let it in, let it alone?  Sometimes I let the question creep in.  Why?  There is no answer to why.  Why is only there to make me miserable.  There is no strength in why.  Why is there to take my mind away from the things that are really important, like my blessings.  Why wants to preoccupy me with its time so there is no room for anything else.  Why is extremely needy.  So leaving it alone...alienating the why may be my only option right now.

Let it in, just be?  Just LIVE.  Make the most of every day.  Enjoy all of the little moments.  I read a quote the other day that said happiness is not in the destination, but in the journey.  I can't look ahead and say, "someday this will be over and then we'll all be happy."  That isn't fair to my family, and not fair to my soul.  I/we need to find happiness in today. 

A few days ago our family received a miracle.  My husband who has been suffering from nausea, exhaustion, pain and weakness, woke up last Thursday and said, "I feel amazing."  For the first time since his diagnosis Ryan feels "normal."  He can eat again.  He has energy again.  Gone are the days of two naps and constant misery.  He can sleep well at night again.  It's like we've all woken up from a coma.  How long will this last?  I don't know...but we'll enjoy each wonderful day we have...and "let it be."

Yesterday when I was up all night with a rouge 400, the words echoed in my swelly brain...."let it be."

Today when the boys had breakfast and then an hour an half later ate again at Costco, (because apparently it's sacrilege to NOT eat a hot dog when we're at Costco,)..."let it be."

And tomorrow, when Ryan has another diagnostic appointment to give us results of yet another chest scan..."let it be."

It's sticking for a reason.  If diabetes has taught me's that acceptance is the fastest way to happiness.

"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be." ~The Beatles


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