Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Dark Side

There's a place that I know
it's not pretty there, and few have ever gone.
If I show it to you now
will it make you run away?

Or will you stay?

Even if it hurts,
even if I try to push you out,
will you return?
And remind me who i really am...
Please remind me who i really am.

Everybody's got a dark side.
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect,
but we're worth it..
you know that we're worth it.
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
~Kelly Clarkson

I'm a pretty strong person.  I haven't always been that way.  But trials and just plain life has molded me into who I am.  Lately, sometimes, I get told how strong I am by other people, and I get told how "inspiring" I am that I can keep the faith during times as hard as these.

And sometimes I partly agree with those people.  Sometimes I marvel how I keep myself walking upright, and I think how much strength I have to function and keep the family strong and happy during times like these.

But as much as I don't want to admit it...I'm not always strong.  And today especially, I feel so weak.  I feel like the world sits on my shoulders made of glass, and at any moment I will shatter under the pressure. 

I know a lot of the time, (maybe even all the time,) Ryan feels this way, too.  He doesn't always articulate it, but I know that we are living our lives on the fine line of pretended normalcy and complete chaos.

Last week's bad news was a punch in the gut.  Ryan's meds aren't working anymore.  The tumors are growing.  We were moving forward at a good clip and now we have lost our footing and have to find our momentum all over again.

It isn't easy.

Part of me wants to crumble. 

Part of me is questioning everything. 

Part of me is really angry right now. 

Part of me is so scared it is literally paralyzed.

Thankfully, the greater part of me is staying strong.  It is continually nursing my weaker parts, encouraging myself to keep the faith.  The greater part of me believes in miracles, and angels, and that some things are meant to be.

For Ryan and I, one of the harder parts of all this is not being able to articulate our fears to one another.  I told Ryan the other day if he just needed to tourettes syndrome out all his fears and anger that I can take it...let it out.  He gave me a smirk and said, "I'm okay."  And instead of lamenting of what could be, or how completely scared out of our minds we are...we talk about how blessed we are.  We talk about how despite it all...we have each other and four amazing boys.  We talk about the undeniable feelings we have had in the past telling us that all will be well.

We talk about our faith.

We all have a dark pieces.  I don't know if it takes up an entire side of us...but somewhere in us lay the dark days...the sadness, the bitterness, the loss.

But just because I have a dark day, or a dark week, doesn't mean all is lost.  It doesn't define who I's just part of the process.  I've felt a lot of guilt the past couple days...guilt that I'm faltering and not the pillar of strength that I need to be for my husband, or my family, or my God.

I like to think that it is normal...or at least I hope it is.  When one is punched in the gut with bad news, one steps back for a moment to catch their bearings, right?

I'll fell better soon...and when I do...I'll be stronger.  I know it.  I'll tell the dark side to take a long walk off a short cliff and the only thing left will be my faith.

What other choice do I have?  Can I let the dark side win? 

Hell no.

You all are so kind to me.  I know many of you are saying to your screen, "Meri, be kinder to yourself!  It is ok to have bad days for crying out loud!"

And my response to that is this...

It goes both ways.  Can't you be kinder to YOURSELF too?  It's ok to have a bad day, a bad week or a bad month.  True strength comes from overcoming the bad days...not from pretending they don't exist.

This post is my small way of taking my own advice.

Thanks for the prayers by the way...I know they are part of what keeps me upright each and every day.  They make me stronger, and that is a blessing for sure.
(PS  I don't know why my font got suddenly bigger mid-blog, mid-sentence.  And now this PS is even bigger...I'm too exhausted to figure out why.)


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