Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I die a little.

When something affects my boys in a negative way...I die a little.  All the heartache they have felt, all the physical trials they have been through, all the worry that their little hearts endure, all of that kills me little by little.   So much so, I have to wonder if there isn't an angel assigned specifically to keep my heart pumping day after day.

Maybe that is why I'm so close to God?  Each time I die a bit, my spirit draws closer to Him and the home where my soul will one day find respite from the storm.

Last week I got the results back to the boys lab work.  Everything was perfect, except...

Except J's urine test came back positive with protein.

The nurse who called me was as kind as she could be about it and insisted I not worry.

Why was she so concerned I would worry? 

"What does it mean, having protein in the urine?" I asked.

"It means the kidneys may be shutting down."  She responded.

At that moment.  I died a little.

"But it could easily be a false positive.  We will retest, and will see what happens." 

Those words didn't mean anything.  I am a mother, and as such the worry had made its way into my soul instantaneously.  All I could do was feel the effects of the death on my heart, and carry on.

I waited a few days to have him retest.  I wanted him hydrated, and well rested beforehand.

But when I went to the lab to drop off his sample, the lady said the orders were deleted.  Which is really weird because my nurse is always very thorough.  When I called my nurse she was equally puzzled but called the lab and told them to run the test immediately.  That same day I called to get a referral for M to get his wisdom teeth out.  The person on the other end of the line said, "I'm sorry.  His dental insurance was canceled as of April 1st.  You better call your health care company to find out the problem."

My stomach was uneasy.  Could these two incidences have a common thread?  I called.  And was told that our health insurance was canceled too.

Stab Stab Stab to my heart.  Death.  It hurts.

We just changed to another health plan.  One with my name as the subscriber, rather than Ryan's.  I called twice to confirm the change. I was super anal about it because my biggest fear other than complications from diabetes, is my children losing their health insurance.

And there I was, in the same time frame facing the possibility of kidney failure, and the fact that my boys were not insured.

It was 48 hours of me dying.  Worry has a way of making you feel like a zombie...only half living.  I guess when you heart is wasting away, that can happen.  I sat in my car in front of my house today looking at the front door.  The song on the radio was slow and sad.  I reflected on the events of the past week and felt the death freely eat.  Why does this life have to be so hard?  I heard the phrase this weekend, "When you're down to nothing, God is up to something."  What would he be up to?  Or am I forgotten and left to the devices of a cruel world? 

I said a simple prayer.  I asked for relief.

As I walked into the house I marveled at the fact that I could still function under the heaviness of my worry.  One foot went in front of the other.  I moved.  I got into the house.  That seemed like a miracle all on its own.

And in the next 60 seconds I listened to a message on my answering machine saying that J's test results came back perfect and all was well, and I received a phone call from my advocate at the insurance company telling me that mountains were moved and our insurance was already reinstated and active.

I had to sit down.  I let the silent tears wash away all of the death, and felt my body heal from the damage of the week previous.

And then I picked up my boys from school and their hugs, and their smiles completed the rebirth.  I was whole again.  My heart sang with love for my boys, and praise to a Heavenly Father who knows when I've reached my limit.

We need to sail through the storms to appreciate the sun.  And let me tell you, I don't take the sun for granted.

In fact I'll be basking in it  for the remainder of this week...continuing on as long as life will allow.


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