Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Finding my fight at midnight.

The nighttime can be so cruel.

Devoid of light, my soul anguishes in my ineptitude.

Seeing two 400's staring back at me tonight didn't help things. In fact it began a tailspin that even I am worried I won't recover from.

In this nighttime all my hope is drowned away in pools of tears in my hands. All my positivity is enveloped in the black hole of my pity.

How is it ok that I am so completely responsible for my boys well being?

How is it ok that it is all on my shoulders?

Is this a cruel joke? Will my best ever be good enough?

When my boys are adults will I be able to look them in the eye and say, I really truly did my best?

How does the night strangle away all my victories?

Why do I only see the defeats?

What is it about the darkness that makes all my mistakes magnify a 100 times over?

At this moment all I can say is it isn't fair.

They are so beautiful. It isn't fair.

damn it. It isn't fair.

I hate the night. I desperately need the light of the new day. I need a new beginning.

Nothing good can come of this overwhelming darkness. I feel prisoner to the feelings of despair and grief.

I need to break out of here.

I can't let the darkness win.

I can't let the darkness make me feel hopeless.

I can't give up.


I'm going to stop crying now. I am going to stop and I am going to move forward. I will persevere and I will not give up...

Even though the darkness tells me to.

I WILL not give up.

I will NOT give up.

I can do this.

I will bring these 400's to their knees and I will fight every number for as long as my boys let me.

I don't know if I'm just too stubborn, or if I'm too stupid, but I am stronger than this. I feel my fight coming back.

I WILL NOT give up.

Tomorrow the sun will rise and the darkness will lose.

Tomorrow is a new day.

One day at a time.

Thank you Laura for your saying, "keep calm and carry on." That is what I will do right this minute.

Giving into the darkness is not an option.

There is no victory in my pity. Circumstances aren't likely to change anytime soon.

I don't know the reason.

I don't care that it isn't fair.

I will keep swimming,

And I'll say a prayer that tomorrow the light will be so bright, my soul will be hard pressed to absorb all the hope it will bring along with it.


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