Thursday, February 9, 2012

The deep-down-to-my-soul ugly truth.

I always try to be totally honest. I mean, is there any other way to find healing? Blogging helps me get to the heart of what I feel deep inside. Only good can come from that...I hope.

I begin typing today with no map on where I am going. Only the realization that everything is making me cry these days. Statuses on facebook. Blogs. Videos. If it references diabetes, inevitably...the tears come. They aren't harsh tears. They are soft, they are real, and they are all the time.

It is my goal today to get to the heart of that. I've been asking myself, why? Why am I getting so upset, so easily.

But sitting here in this moment, I think I've been asking that to myself all wrong.

I think a better question is, why am I touched so easily by what I read?

Why does it hurt today more than any other measure of time before?

Maybe because the boys basals are still a bit wonky. When things are not smooth sailing the reality of this disease bleeds into my emotions.

Ebbs and flows.

But I think there is more to it.

My boys are growing at an unbelievable rate. They are changing, and with those changes come memories of how things used to be. Remember when?

I think it bothers me that our family doesn't have a "remember when there was no diabetes." It feels like it has been around since forever. We had only started our family when J was diagnosed. He was a baby. And now he is a teenager, and before I know it he will be gone, and married, and starting a family of his own.

Which brings me to something that is making me sob as I type. I read on the ADA website, that the chances of my boys having a child with Type 1 Diabetes is 1 in 17.

That is doubled if they are diagnosed before the age of 11.

All my boys were diagnosed before the age of 11.

In fact, all of them were diagnosed before the age of 6.

The thought that more people that I love will have to live with this disease infuriates me.

I take my lot happily. I have no complaints that there are 2am checks and countless set changes and phone calls from school. But would I ever...ever...wish this worry on one of my boys?

Never. They have enough worry as it is.

They all want big families. They talk about it all the time, and more than anything I want that for them.

I would never tell them not to, or even insinuate they shouldn't. I had them, and I am so so thankful I did. Would I have them again if I knew what I know now. You bet your mySentry I would!

I just wish it wasn't a never ending cycle. I wish they could achieve their greatest dreams without heartache.

But in writing this I realize that everyone has their heartache. Diabetes or otherwise. Who am I to wish that they have only happiness in their life? I don't think perfect lives exist...and I truly believe that without knowing sadness, we cannot know joy.  I want them to know a lot of joy.  Honestly though, one in seven sounds so nasty.  It really is less than a 12% chance.  That is an 88% chance that their children won't have Type 1.

Man I hate percentages.  They are useless.  You just never know where you are going to fall.

I guess the reason it upsets me so much, is they already have enough to battle. What else is life going to throw at them? I can't bear to think about it.

I can't bear it.

Well there it is. Depressing, deep down to my soul thoughts, all wrapped up in a not so neat bow.

I would like Type 1 Diabetes to end here thankyouverymuch. In fact, I think I'm ready for a cure now.

There. I said it.

Don't shoot the know you wish for it too.


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