Sunday, May 27, 2012

Being molded hurts

I cried at J's 8th grade graduation.

It wasn't the ceremony.  It was the tangible feeling that despite our crazy life...time stands still for nothing.

My boys are growing up right before my eyes, at what seems like lightening speed.

It was a surreal feeling sitting in that I was experiencing a moment on a time line.  I could feel the rush of life swirling around my head.

Childhood is fleeting.

Life on earth is fleeting.

I understand that life is hard.  By why must this fleeting life be so hard for my boys?

They are still so young.   

What is the value of their sorrow?  What is the value of the pain they endure?

I can only lean on my faith and hope that these things are molding them into something more incredible than they already are.

Imagine clay in the molders hand.  It is squished, pulled, scrunched, and twisted.  Imagine being that clay.  It just isn't easy.

It's difficult to watch the hard things shape them.  It isn't a beautiful thing.  Hard things are never comfortable or easy.

I want so badly to make it all smooth for them.

I want so badly to make it all no big deal.

I want so badly to give them a break from needles.

I want so badly for their daddy to go into remission.

Kids have it so hard these days.  Somehow, it has became cool to be mean.  My kids don't fit into that mold.  They are already having a hard time just being kids...but add a 24/7 disease and a father who they worship...who is looks different, and acts a little different, and can't do what he used to do.

Things have been a bit less predictable around here lately diabetes wise, and cancer wise.

It is killing me.

My heart aches for my family.

Their plates are full.

How can I lift them up and empower them when I am feeling so down and powerless myself?

All I can say is, bring on Summer.  Bring on fun.

We are soooo ready.  In fact Ryan is taking next week off to focus solely on fun.

(And a few doctors appointments that will hopefully bring us some good news.)

I have a feeling that a smidgen of good news is all this family will need to normal forward.

Deep down, I can't shake the feeling that this is the way it was always going to be.  Somewhere deep inside my swelly brain there is the feeling that we are on a road that is...maybe...for lack of a better word, our destiny?

Is it that we are on a timeline...and the future, although unknown to us, is not unknown to God?

Something I need to pray about...but in the meantime, although feeling us being molded into different people hurts, I just can't help but feel that someday...we will be something better...something brighter, than we are today.

That thought helps get me through.  Heaven knows we are full of imperfections.

I can only lean on the hope that this molding process won't leave us broken...

But instead...renewed.


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